Love and loss

I'm pondering with a very heavy heart tonight the concept of love.  "Love" has captured the mind, occupied the fantasies and enraptured the bodies of the world for millennia.  But what is love?  And how would one decide whether they're in love or not?  Why does love last for some, and not last for others?  Why does one person love another when that love is not returned?  Why do some suddenly fall out of love?

I have wondered for many years if love is a made up thing, a legend, and nothing more.  Maybe it's like I believe religion to be; similar to faith or answers to prayers, maybe love is merely a thing that you convince yourself of, because you want it so badly.  Love could simply be something you decide (or decide not) to be "in."  

But something about love truly is tangible, provable.  I know this because I know very personally that heartbreak exists and it is an utter devastation of mind and body together.  It is palpable.  If love was only a legend and something we talked ourselves into being in, then it would be easy to talk ourselves out of the heartbreak when love is taken away.  Love is a real thing.  I wish it wasn't real at this moment because I want to bid myself free of love's devastation, but I can't.  

Why do two people fall in love?  I believe there is an ideal built up in the mind of each person, from years of accidental research:  looking, listening, feeling, comparing, talking, laughing, playing, touching, reading, watching others.  When one finds a person who matches this ideal, and the unlikely event happens that the other also finds in them their ideal, love sparks.  Miraculous.  How extremely rare and worth embracing is it when two people find each other in this complex world with billions of unique individuals, each having their own ideas of the perfect mate?  I experienced this once.  For me, like the palpability of heartbreak, love itself is a physical feeling that takes over the soul.  I don't know what part of the body, what organ, what system, produces the upwelling of bliss that becomes the constant state of mind and body when in love, but I know it is the best feeling I have ever felt.  An awakening occurs.  Everything in life becomes joyful.  Things that used to be mundane and annoying are no longer.  Appreciation for people and things increase.  Being in love makes me more alive and beckons me to become a better person.

Regrettably, when love is taken away, the void is so much larger than the space the hope of love used to take up.  It seems against the laws of physics and so unfair.  It probably would have been better if I had never felt it.  Unfortunately I have, and I can't wind back time and forget it.  I'm on a tearful search tonight for something to fill the hollow in my soul that seems likely to never be full again.

June 1, 2010 (back in PT)

I just spoke with Jeff (Dad's PT specialist) who said that despite Sam's misgivings (I had talked to Sam last week about his thoughts on Dad's prognosis and they were pretty dismal), Dad had performed quite a bit better in his transfer from bed to wheelchair in his evaluation I'd prompted them to do last week.  Jeff said that Dad was able to put a lot more weight on his good leg than he'd done before and that Dad took more initiative in getting himself up and out of the bed than he'd seen him do before. 

As a result of the positive evaluation, Jeff is filing papers to get Dad back into PT for a while at least.  Since he is now covered by Medicare Part B, I am not quite sure the duration of this PT schedule, but the PT sessions will be 5 days a week until Med B cuts him off.  If we are still seeing progress, Med B might still pay for some or all of the PT, and even if it does not, we would pay out of pocket if Dad has a chance to get walking again.  It is well worth the money!! 

I knew it was a bit exaggerated when Dad self-described last week's session to me as "I got up from my bed and walked to the wheelchair" but I am glad to see that Jeff and Sam were able to see some measurable improvement.  Either Dad has decided he really wants to get home and will push through the pain, or all that candy has done something as far as beefing up that good leg! :)

May 12, 2010 (Meeting with ORN staff)

At our meeting with the care center's staff, which Dad attending along with Janice, Brad, and myself, we discussed Dad's state.  Overall, not much has changed in months, except Dad's weight, which had sky rocketed since the last time we'd checked.  He'd gained 7% of his body weight!!!  I have no doubt that is because of all the visitors who've been bringing him candy, and because of all the lunches out we take him to.  Dad's sweet tooth is insatiable and he does not seem to have the ability to recognize when he is full.  If you put a bag full of chocolate in front of him, he will eat it until it's gone, no matter how huge the bag is!

During the meeting, we discussed the following:  We mentioned that it seemed he'd been a bit more upbeat lately, possibly due to his prescriptions changing.  We asked them to look into the fact that the door to the outside of his room seems to  never be locked and that anyone could possibly come in there.  The door is also quite breezy and Dad says it often makes him cold.  The usage of the braces we purchased for him seems to have done a bit of good in keeping his left hand outstretched instead of curled, and we mentioned that we've noticed they are not very conscientious about making sure the braces are put on every day.  We also asked that Dad be re-evaluated for physical therapy and asked that the PT staff charge it to Medicare and see if they would pick up the bill for a 2-week stint.  If Medicare won't pay, then we said to start doing PT two times per week and we would pay out of pocket for it.  Jim (the social worker we meet with) said that he would talk to PT and call me back that same day.  Dad asked if he'd been reported for any "inappropriate behaviors" and we (and Dad especially) were very glad to hear he has not been!  :)

After the meeting, we wheeled Dad out to lunch and visited for a while.  It is so nice to FINALLY have some spring/summer weather here!

My Dad...

Since my Dad's stroke, I have started a blog in his honor.  Here is a link to it:
http://dontronson.blogspot.com

Mom's Eulogy (written by Ted Tronson)

Carrol Lindsay was born May 17, 1944 to Warren and Erma (Marchant) Lindsay and was the youngest of 8 children. She weighed 5 lbs 4 oz. and entered this world in humble fashion, being housed in a dresser drawer at the hospital because they had no more beds for her in the nursery.

Carrol was raised on a farm in Lovell, Wyoming and enjoyed playing with the animals. She always had a dog or a cat or a horse and riding horses was her favorite thing to do. She played a lot with the next door neighbor boy (Freddy Hettinger) and his brother (Ronnie) who was born 9 days ahead of her. She was quite a tomboy as there were not any girls to play with. In the summer they rode horses and climbed trees and swam in the river. During the winter they would ice skate when it was possible.

Lovell was a small town of about 2,500 people and most of them were members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (including many of her family members). They rarely visited with anyone nor were visited by others. Her father did farm work most of his life and he was gone most of the time, either taking care of the fields or the sheep. Occasionally she would get to go with him down to the field and watch him walking down the ditches making dams as he irrigated the beets. She loved to do this because she would get to drive the old Jeep he used to do his work. (Maybe that had something to do with the Jeep that Ted/Brad used to drive – and also with marrying Don because he had a Jeep).

Carrol attended school in Lovell and Greybull (about 20 miles South of Lovell) and at age 8 decided to join the LDS church. She was baptized on Feb 1, 1953. It was tough to be a member of the church as most of her family was inactive. Her mother told her that she turned her kids over to the Lord to take care of when she realized she couldn’t do it.

At age 13 her father passed away, needlessly, from diabetes simply because he refused to receive medical attention. After her fathers passing, Carrol spent much time in the care of her sister Louise who lived in Greybull. They also had a small cabin in the mountains which was an enjoyable retreat where she could ride horses, fish and enjoy nature.

A few years later, Carrol started working as a waitress in a local café. She loved being really busy and also tried cooking which was fun. Carrol tried other jobs as well. She worked as a clerk in the photo store, and as a secretary for the Boy Scouts in Salt Lake City, but she liked the restaurant best. Carrol and her sisters, Myrna and Gae, moved around and lived in many places; Minneapolis, MN, San Antonio, TX, San Diego, CA and Salt Lake City, UT, and then eventually moved up to Billings, MT. Traveling and seeing new places was a favorite thing to do.

One day Myrna and Carrol walked into the Western Café by the old stockyards in Billings looking for work. Donald happened to be there and asked the boss, “who are those ladies?” The boss said they were a couple of gals from Wyoming that were in looking for work. At the time, Carrol was working at a photo shop in Billings and a little bit later Donald went over to visit and tease her at the photo store. When Don and Gary Bender would see them at the restaurant, they would just go sit down by Carrol and Myrna and make them nervous. This of course turned into a more common occurrence and eventually led to the next step. On June 1, 1966, Carrol married Donald DeWayne Tronson at the LDS chapel in Billings.

About a month after getting married, Don wanted to have his clothes ironed with a crease in it, so Carrol went out and bought an ironing board. Of course he had to put his foot down and not let finances get out of hand, so there ensued the first debate on how to spend money. Don (or “Brownie” as Myrna and Carrol liked to call him because of the color of the semi-truck he was currently driving) was driving truck for George Marcenko and later Midland Feed and Garret Freight Lines and making pretty good money.

In March of 1967 Carrol found out that they were going to have a baby. So they went to the doctor and found that they were really going to have twins. Shortly before the twins were born, Don and Carrol purchased a 10 acre farm on 56th Street, West of Billings. They raised pigs, sheep and calves and had a garden every year with raspberries, corn and fresh tomatoes. Donnie’s mom used to like to come down and help plant the garden.

On November 19, 1967 Carrol gave birth to twin boys. Don took the whole day off from driving truck that day. Ted was first at 6 lbs. 6 oz, followed by Brad at 6 lbs. 13 oz. She was full term to the day (keep in mind that mom was 5’2” and that that was a lot of baby weight). Four years later on the same day, Carrol gave birth to Janice. She did a fine job of planning to keep all of the birthdays on the same day.

Don’s father passed away in 1972 and at that time Don and Carrol decided to move to Medicine Lake to begin working the farm. They built a new house in 1973 and then completed the family in 1974 with the addition of a baby girl, Wendy, on June 13. Wendy was the only child with a different birthday and so this meant that Wendy got to have 2 birthdays every year, much to the dismay of the other children.

In Medicine Lake, Don and Carrol continued to raise animals and started to raise grain in the fields. The family had lots of fun taking care of the animals and soon were raising animals as projects in 4-H, for the Rough Riders 4-H club of which Carrol was the organizational leader. Carrol kept very busy with the children and also served as the Band Mothers President, chaperoned many band trips, helped with the Boy Scouts, and went to sporting events of all kinds to watch the kids participate. Carrol loved to hear her children sing, play instruments, and play sports.

Carrol was even excited to make an obstacle course one year. So we all dug a big mud pit in the garden and filled it with water, hauled in wire spools to try to run on, and other stuff so all the kids could have a good time.

Carrol was an active member of the LDS Church and loved to read and ponder the scriptures. She was instrumental in teaching her family good Christian values and served her church well as a Relief Society President and Sunday School Teacher and any other duties that were asked of her.

On August 23, 1997 Carrol was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer. This was the scariest thing that had ever happened to her and she figured that death was at her doorstep. She began preparing wills and doing other things to “get her life in order”. The first week of October she was in Salt Lake having surgery, then chemo-therapy and later, a stem cell transplant.

During the period following the surgery and transplant the family was very supportive and Carrol and Don were able to see the kids and grandkids on a regular basis and the family became very close. It was at this point in time that Brad, Janice, and Wendy went into full production on getting a family started so that Carrol would have a bunch of grandkids. Ted was already going strong and had 3 children by now.

The stem cell transplant worked well for a time, but in November of 1999 she had more surgery to remove additional cancer spots. On March 8, 2000, Carrol’s best friend and mother-in-law (Grandma Lu Tronson) passed away. It took two years for Carrol and Don to quit thinking of stopping at the house to visit.

Over the next few years the number of grandchildren grew from 3 to 11 and Carrol and Don decided it was time to do some traveling with the family (or shall we say Carrol mostly – but we know Don enjoyed it once he got there). Many family trips were planned and taken to include: Jackson Hole, Wyoming; Steam Boat Springs, Colorado; New England area; Acapulco, Mexico; Big Sky, Bozeman, Montana; Cancun, Mexico; Washington, D.C. area; Columbia Falls, MT, Puerto Villarta and other locations.

Carrol never slowed down though, she helped to organize the Sheridan County Daybreakers Genealogy Club and spent many hours working on cemetery records and running back and forth to the recorders office and library to make sure that the names, dates, and information were all correct and would be available on the website. She also assisted in the making of the Daybreak III by gathering information for stories and editing them and was very proud of the book.

Carrol joined up with the Senior Citizens Club in Medicine Lake and became the youngest secretary ever. She loved going to the meetings and would try to schedule trips to Utah so she could be back in time for them. She loved the company and had lots of fun at the meetings.

Just when we had all decided she was going to be a cancer survivor, we got the news in September 2007 that the cancer was back and had moved into her bones and other places.

She fought with everything she had and endured a whole lot more than any of us will ever know. She passed away on May 29, 2009 at the Sheridan Memorial Hospital. Don and her two daughters were holding her hands when she passed.

Carrol was a wonderful wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend and always brought a hopeful spirit to those around her. She had an endless supply of energy and always had a list of things to accomplish every day. It was a joke in our family that she was a real “slavedriver.” She was the center of our family and will be greatly missed.

In Loving Memory of Carrol Lindsay Tronson

A very long two days ago, I held my mother's hand as she took her last breath.  It still hasn't sunk in.  I can't even believe I'm writing this.  I expect to see her walking around the corner at any moment, and both mornings I've awakened here, I swear I heard her clanking dishes in the kitchen to prepare yet another amazing breakfast for us all.  I don't think I will ever get over the impulse to call her when I need advice or when I need to complain about how life just isn't turning out the way I thought it would.  

I'm so emotionally tired but I can't really sleep.  So many images of her passing and of her life keep rolling through my mind like a slide show.  On the night she passed away, my daughter Ashlyn woke me up in the middle of the night calling, "Mom!" and I woke up and went to her.  About half way there, the horrible feeling of dread washed over me.  My mom was dead and I'd never be able to say "Mom" and have anyone respond.  At that moment, I wished I could forget, but just moments later, I felt panic that I might forget....her face, her eyes, her hands, phrases she'd often say, the feel of her soft skin.

I can't shake the wondering that she might be watching me now and laughing, most likely, but possibly disapproving of my actions or even my thoughts.  I know she loves me and I remind myself that she'd be the most understanding person in the world about anything I might be doing or thinking or feeling.  I'm so glad for that.  

Being here, in this great house, with my brothers and sister and dad is so good for us all.  I'm so glad we have so many... so many... happy memories of her.  In the hospital, as we said goodbye to her, my dad, in sobs, said "she really was one hell of a woman," and I couldn't have possibly agreed more.  She was beautiful, every fiber, inside and out.  She truly looked angelic and peaceful as we said goodbye to her for the last time.  She was a lady in every respect of the word. 

What Children Take For Granted

If there is anything a child should be able to take for granted, it's the fact that their mom is always there for them.

I've taken that for granted since the moment I was born. Mom never let me down either, even though I'm sure at times she must have felt that I was unappreciative and oblivious to her countless sacrifices. I often wonder why and how she was able to do it. She made me feel as if it was my right to always have her listening ear, her trusted advice, or just her calming presence after a hard day at school. I never once doubted that I was her top priority. In fact, it pretty much never crossed my mind that she might have something more interesting or important to do.

She made motherhood an art form. Everything was neatly organized, the most important things were always done first, the teaching moments were never avoided, but embraced. She taught by spotless example. I always knew what she expected of me, and I always wanted to fulfill her expectations, not because I feared her, but because I loved her and respected her. I wanted to make her proud and never embarrassed that I was the daughter of Carrol and Don Tronson of Medicine Lake, Montana.

Now that I'm a mother of my own two beautiful daughters, I sincerely marvel at how my mom did everything she did for me, and continues to do for me even now. And it's not simply what she did, but the way she did it. How could she have been so positive, so willing, so truly excited and delighted to work and practice and pray and play with all of us? Mom was and is an angel, a gift from God, sent to our family with great purpose and potential, of which none went unrealized--she made sure of that.

I know that I will never be able to repay my mom for everything she has given me. Her example is what gives me hope and stands as my beacon. Whenever I'm asked the question, "who is the greatest person you have ever known?" my answer is always immediately and without contemplation, my mother.

In these last days and months (and prayerfully, years) of her life, I hope that she is able to take for granted the fact that I and the rest of her family love her so much and will be there for her, as she always has been for each and every one of us, though we may not be so perfect at it as she is.

Mom, if you're reading this, I love you.